Police Briefing, Gasforth Nick

POLICE BRIEFING

Subject: Operation Hampton Wick
Location: Snapcase Hall, Much-Piddling, Mid-Devon
Time: 01:00am, Thursday 4th June, 1973

DCI Frank Hawley, Flying Squad

“Alright, alright you lot, shut it! Here’s what’s going down. In the early hours of Sunday May 31st, Dame Christabelle Wickham QC was making her way home from the Charity Ball at Gasforth Town Hall. Dame Christabelle is the Mayoress of Gasforth. Armed persons unknown, wearing balaclavas, stopped her taxi in Bloody Lane, Higgleford-cum-Wortlebury-beneath-the-Hill, just before the Pink Pelican Inn. Dame Christabelle was heading for her country residence in Fannys Bottom. She was last seen by the taxi driver being bundled into a Pickfords Dormobile with a sack over her head.

Inspector Fowler here, your station officer at Gasforth nick, has been the victim of an extortion attempt. An anonymous caller offered to release the mayoress in return for ‘Swiss’ Tony’s thumbprint evidence from the Market Snodsbury bank heist. Obviously ‘Swiss’ and his scrotes are involved in the kidnapping.

Inspector Fowler of course, would not succumb to this intimidation and requested the help of a Flying Squad officer, hence my arrival. You woodentops are not used to dealing with mad geezers such as ‘Swiss’ Tony but you are all I’ve got for the moment.

The only lead we have is that one of DI Grim’s narks says a dodgy gang of slags has rented Snapcase Hall in Much-Piddling for the summer. We believe this is the hide-out for ‘Swiss’ Tony. We don’t know how many of the Cowie Firm (‘Swiss’ Tony Cowie’s gang) are likely to be involved, so you are all coming with me to get the mayoress out of their grubby little Germans. All we have is this sketch map drawn by Derek Grim’s nark. It’s not very detailed so we are going to have to go in sneaky-beaky like.

‘Swiss’ Tony is so hard you could roller-skate on him. He hates coppers and has already served porridge for GBH and attempted murder on a rival scrote. You remember ‘Legs’ Lawson? Well, after ‘Swiss’ had finished with him, he was just plain Lawson! Handle this geezer with care, he is bound to be armed. He will probably have his minders with him, Doug and Dinsdale Piranha. They are both as thick as a docker’s sandwich but Dinsdale has a nasty habit of nailing people’s heads to the floor, so watch out! There will be more of these slags, but we just don’t know who.

We are going to go in quiet-like at night. Derek Grim’s nark is supposed to phone us and let us know where any guards are likely to be situated, so nothing happens until we get that call. In the meantime, get yourselves tooled up and send that PC Goody to get us all a bag of chips. I’m the Sweeny son, and I ain’t had me dinner!”

The following may be of some help to those of you not well-versed in Cockney rhyming slang. 'Ave some of that, my son!