...and Now for Something Completely Different!

It all started with a dropped Spangles wrapper, one beautiful June morning in Much-Piddling. Admiral Horatio Toastrack KCB Retd. (he of The Laurels, Moist Lane, Lower Much-Piddling) was taking his dog Rodney for a walk on the Much-Piddling village green.

Having let Rodney off the lead, the keen-eyed old seadog noticed that Rodney seemed to have found something of interest by the phone box. Upon further investigation the old buffer was outraged to discover it was litter. To wit, a Spangles wrapper and several of the empty individual sweet wrappers gently wafting to and fro in the light breeze which was playfully blowing across the green.

Immediately grasping the seriousness of the situation, Toastrack was straight into the phone box dialling 999.

“Gasforth Police Station. Sergeant Patricia Dawkins speaking.”

Forgetting for once, his misogynistic view on women in the force, Horatio managed to splutter out the words “Bloody litter louts, Much-Piddling village green” before collapsing in an apoplectic fit, to the floor of the phone box.

Patricia, contrary to Horatio’s misguided thoughts on the matter, was exactly the right sort of person to be a police sergeant. Instantly, she rang through to the crew room to alert the officers on duty.

Meanwhile, at the Mottled Earwig pub in Wittleford-cum-Bagsley, Inspector Raymond Fowler was lunching with his old friend and colleague, Frank Hawley. In the old days, Raymond and Frank had been best pals at Hendon Police College as cadets in their formative years with Her Majesty’s Police Force. Frank was now a Detective Chief Inspector at Scotland Yard and commander of the legendary Flying Squad. ‘The Sweeny’ as they were known to the underworld. Raymond was feeling a little self-conscious in view of the fact the he was a lowly Inspector running the uniform branch at a country police station in Gasforth. It was a far cry from those halcyon days at Hendon when the world had seemed to be their oyster!

The woodentops were in the crew room at Gasforth nick playing dominoes when the call came in. “Get orff yer aris and pick up the dog, Goody” demanded Detective Inspector Derek Grim from the CID office. Grim, having been introduced by Raymond to the commander of the Flying Squad, was trying out a bit of cockney rhyming slang. When Patricia had explained the situation to Kevin Goody, Grim shouted to the assembled officers, “Right, listen in, you lot. This is the big one. We’ve a litter lout on the loose in Much-Piddling and a visiting DCI from Scotland Yard. Let’s nick the bugger and show the Sweeny how it’s done in Gasforth. I'm not having you disgracing this station with a load of wishy-washy, diddums, half-cock, up your social worker, foldy-roll 'blame it on society', psycho-sicko-socio-claptrap crap! You make a cock up, my arse is on the line. Get it? Your cock up, my arse!” he emphasised.

As PC Goody and WPC Habib ran for the squad car, Goody had something on his mind, "If I'm late for my tea today, my mum's going to do her raving nana!" he opined.

With great presence of mind, Patricia rang the landlord of the Mottled Earwig, one Preston Starch who summoned Raymond to the phone. Patricia quickly briefed Raymond on the emergency and he decided to attend in person, inviting along Frank. Abandoning the remnants of their Mottled Earwig Cheese Ploughmans (you’ll be lucky to finish this, the menu declared ominously), they drove to the scene in Gasforth nick’s Hillman Imp.

Virtually the entire available force from Gasforth arrived en masse in Much-Piddling. Inspector Fowler had them all arranged to conduct a finger-tip search right across the green.

After several fruitless hours of searching the green for clues, Raymond arranged for his men to be fed at the local fish and chip shop, aptly named ‘Good Pie, Mr. Chips’.

Frank had only popped in for lunch but in view of the late hour, Raymond invited Frank to stay overnight with him and Patricia. Raymond and Patricia lived together in an upstairs flat in Gasforth. Patricia called in at the local fishmongers to get some haddock for their tea. Raymond cleared away the Airfix 1/72 Lancaster Bomber he was working on from their kitchen table and soon, he and Frank were drinking halves of light ale and reminiscing about the old days.

Thus it was, that Frank was on hand to lend his old cadet chum a helping hand in the biggest case ever to occur in the vicinity of Much-Piddling. Later, the denizens of Fleet Street came to refer to it as ‘The Case of ‘Swiss’ Tony’s Thumb and the Lady Mayoress’.

This is how it began…

Big time crime boss ‘Swiss’ Tony Cowie was facing a Crown Court trial soon for his part in the Market Snodsbury bank job. His brief, Horace Rumpole had him out on bail but there’s no doubt that ‘Swiss’ was going down for a long stretch. One of the bank staff was shot in the raid, so it’s a murder charge. Carelessly, Tony left a perfect thumb print at the scene. The evidence is safely locked up in the Evidence Room at nearby Gasforth nick, under the stern eye of Inspector Raymond Fowler.

Tony’s bird, Mimsie Slopcorner has come up with a cunning plan. Knowing that Raymond Fowler is a former schoolmate of the current Mayoress, Mimsie suggests kidnapping her and getting Raymond to hand over the incriminating print in exchange for the safe return of the Mayoress. Then the case against Tony would collapse.

'Swiss' Tony Cowie and Mimsie Slopcorner

The plan is a good one as Raymond has always had a secret crush for Dame Christabelle Wickham QC, the Mayoress since he sat next to her at Gasforth Junior School. The Cowie Firm duly kidnap Christabelle Wickham but they have not reckoned on Raymond’s sense of duty. Unwilling to hand over ‘Swiss’ Tony’s thumb print, Fowler calls on the services of an old friend of his from those Hendon days when they were cadets together. Of course, it is none other than the legendary Flying Squad commander DCI Frank Hawley. Frank of course, is renowned for breaking the Phantom Batter-Pudding Hurler case wide open in Bexhill-on-Sea. He also retrieved the famed Mukkinese Battle Horn when it was stolen from The Clam of Chowder. By sheer luck, Frank is already in Gasforth as a guest at Raymond’s flat.

‘Swiss’ is holed up in Snapcase Hall in Much-Piddling. The owner, the Earl of Snapcase is away for the season in Monte Carlo. ‘Swiss’ has rented the Hall and estate via the offices of Blush, Cringe and Flinch (Quality Estate Agents) to provide himself with a safe-house for the kidnapped Mayoress and assorted ‘muscle’ from his gang.

Unbeknownst to Tony one of his gang is a nark and has phoned the location of the Cowie Firm and the kidnapped Mayoress into the local nick at Gasforth (had it been the nark who had so carelessly littered the green with his Spangles wrappers?).

DI Derek Grim, DC Boyle and Inspector Fowler are on the case…