On The Day, Went The Eagle’s Landing Well? (Chapter 6)

Chapter 6: Betty Slocombe Warms Her Pussy

“I’m covered in it!” announced Madeline Bassett in a rather sniffy tone. “What?” enquired ‘Stiffy’ Pinker. “Ordure, what do you think?” replied Madeline, a blush coming to her cheeks, not the sort of words a young lady was used to uttering, in private or public. “What?” repeated ‘Stiffy’ in a sharp tone. “You know,” began Madeline “feculence, egesta, do I have to spell it out for you?”. “Ah, pig poop, you mean, dear?” speculated ‘Stiffy’. “Yes, that’s it, not the sort of thing one encounters much at Totleigh Towers, Daddy simply wouldn’t stand for it,” pronounced Madeline. “Not much of a pig man, Sir Watkyn then, eh?” asked ‘Stiffy’.

It was the girl’s first day on the farm. What with the war and all that, they’d thought it rather a lark to join the Women’s Land Army. “Bit of a hoot, what!” Honoria Glossop had opined at the time. Having persuaded Madeline and ‘Stiffy’ to ‘do their bit’ and Honoria having already talked Lady Florence Craye and ‘Bobbie’ Wickham into volunteering, the girls had been outfitted and posted to Cold Comfort Farm in the parish of Much-Piddling. So far, Madeline thought, the farm was living up to its name.

Amos Starkadder had met them by the farm gate with the words “Ye’re all damned!” and it certainly looked that way to Madeline. Amos was a preacher at the Church of the Quivering Brethren in Loose-Chippings and believed in brimstone and hellfire. Madeline was beginning to miss the company of Gussie Finknottle and if one began to miss his company, then one was halfway up the Rannygazoo without a paddle!

Meanwhile, in Much-Piddling village itself, Dame Edith FitzPilchard was beginning to wish she hadn’t agreed to Bertram Snapcase’s appeal for help. With the visit of Prince Phillip and his entourage to Snapcase Hall, Bertram had wanted his ward, young Verity ‘Peaches’ Snapcase out of the way. Her mother and father had disappeared up the Limpopo some years previously (Bertram suspected it was to get away from ‘Peaches’) and Snapcase Hall seemed to be the only home for her. However, she was proving something of a trial, already expelled from St. Trinians, a rather progressive private school located just outside Steeple Bumpleigh, ‘Peaches’ was a somewhat unnerving presence around the Hall with her catapult. Dame Edith had acquiesced to Bertram’s request for help and had taken ‘Peaches’ with her to the village hall where ARP Chief Warden William Hodges was giving a lecture about ‘how to shout put that bloody light out’ as Bertram, Hodges nemesis, had referred to it.

The Much-Piddling Women’s Institute were slated to give a lecture on making jam after Hodges talk and Mrs. Mary Elizabeth Jennifer Rachel Abergavenny Slocombe, known as Betty to her friends, was worrying. “The central heating broke down last night, I had to light the oven and hold my pussy in front of it!” she’d told her friend and fellow WI member, Miss Shirley Brahms.

Not much has been said of the Black Shorts and the mysterious 5^th Column yet. They lurk in the shadows, probably the best place for people of that ilk. Suffice to say, Spode was heading for Much-Piddling having seen nothing of the promised Luftwaffe at RAF Winkleigh. Skorzeny and chums were in hiding at the old mill awaiting Prien and his crew.

And so, dear reader we leave the aforementioned dramatis personae who are now assembled to play their part in the momentous day that went down in history as “On The Day, Went The Eagle’s Landing Well?”

Friday 23^rd November will see the dénouement to this thrilling tale of everyday country folk. Till then…adieu.