On The Day, Went The Eagle’s Landing Well? (Chapter 5)

Chapter 5: Snapcase Brews Up

It was not unexpected when Snapcase had been given command of the local Home Guard. Back in May, when he heard Eden on the radio announcing the formation of the Local Defence Volunteers (later to become the Home Guard) Snapcase felt a call to arms. Having fought through the Great War on Major-General Kenwood-Chef’s staff, Bertram Wilberforce Snapcase had some experience of war at the sharp end. It wasn’t all ‘cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off’ on Kenwood-Chef’s staff. Bracegirdle Kenwood-Chef liked his staff to get out on the front line and mix it up with the Germans. Now Bertram was a little too old to serve in the regular army for this war. Truth be told, he could also be described as ‘not playing with a full deck’, or as his Aunt Dahlia used to say ’not the full jar of marmite’! Although something of a bumbling incompetent buffoon (as his uncle, General Sir Anthony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett put it) Snapcase was the 10^th Earl of Snapcase and the local land-owner. His family could be traced right back to the battle of Agincourt where a distant ancestor had stiffened his sinews and summoned up his blood alongside King Henry V. So, it was no surprise to all and sundry in the class-conscious society that was 1940 that the local aristocrat received his commission from King George to raise a platoon of the Home Guard.

Captain Lord Snapcase was now supervising one of the most important military manoeuvres of the British Army. The Much-Piddling Home Guard lads were ‘brewing up’ and although they needed no supervision in this vital task, he was dying for a drink. Something stronger was really in order but Old Scrotum had suggested quite rightly that the mainbrace should only be spliced after the arrival of the VIPs! Snapcase had arranged for the NAAFI van to visit Snapcase Hall on the occasion of this auspicious visit by Prince Phillip. The van was parked out of sight to the rear of the Hall, ready to serve tea and sticky buns to the men whilst Prince Phillip and other assorted dignitaries would partake of smoked salmon, lobster thermidore, Pimms and Dom Perignon inside the Hall.

At that moment, Private Ted Bovis arrived carrying the Lewis gun, the pride and joy of Snapcase’s platoon. Ted had started as a Yellowcoat at Maplins Holiday Camp, located just outside Steeple Bumpleigh (although not outside enough for the residents of that idyllic village!) but was now the camp comedian. “Sir, Captain Snapcase, sir!” he shouted. “What is it, man?” the Captain enquired. “Sir, Reverend Lieutenant Pinker asked me to tell you, sir.” “What man, spit it out!” snapped Bertram, rapidly losing patience. “Lieutenant Pinker has been delayed at Twing Hall and will not be coming to the parade, sir”.

Twing Hall was the residence of Major-General Bracegirdle Q. Kenwood-Chef at Loose-Chippings, a village north of Much-Piddling. Kenwood-Chef had taken up residence there after the Great War and he and Snapcase had become near-neighbours. There was a big scandal brewing locally and the villagers of Loose-Chippings had more gossip circulating than they would have liked. Much-Piddling matrons were enjoying the chance to warn their daughters about the dangers of associating with Loose-Chippings’ bachelors. “You’ll come to no-good, them Loose-Chippings folk have always had low moral standards, you mark my words, missy!”

In 1939, just before the outbreak of war, Kenwood-Chef had divorced his wife of long-standing, Countess Gertrude Sepulchrave and announced his intention of marrying Consuela Banana-Hammock, his Venezuelan house-keeper. ‘Stinker’ Pinker had been tasked to officiate at the wedding which was due to take place in December 1940 and was currently detained at Twing Hall in vital discussions about decorating the church with Venezuelan flags and flor de Mayo.

Just then, there hove in sight an Austin 7 transporting the august personage of Sir Douglas D’Emfore, the MP for Mid-Devon. Snapcase immediately put an end to the impromptu ‘brew-up’ in the Snapcase Hall grounds and paraded his platoon at the Hall gates to welcome the first of the visiting dignitaries. A very important day in the history of Much-Piddling had begun.

                                    To be continued...