On The Day, Went The Eagle’s Landing Well? (Chapter 6)

Chapter 6: Betty Slocombe Warms Her Pussy

“I’m covered in it!” announced Madeline Bassett in a rather sniffy tone. “What?” enquired ‘Stiffy’ Pinker. “Ordure, what do you think?” replied Madeline, a blush coming to her cheeks, not the sort of words a young lady was used to uttering, in private or public. “What?” repeated ‘Stiffy’ in a sharp tone. “You know,” began Madeline “feculence, egesta, do I have to spell it out for you?”. “Ah, pig poop, you mean, dear?” speculated ‘Stiffy’. “Yes, that’s it, not the sort of thing one encounters much at Totleigh Towers, Daddy simply wouldn’t stand for it,” pronounced Madeline. “Not much of a pig man, Sir Watkyn then, eh?” asked ‘Stiffy’.

It was the girl’s first day on the farm. What with the war and all that, they’d thought it rather a lark to join the Women’s Land Army. “Bit of a hoot, what!” Honoria Glossop had opined at the time. Having persuaded Madeline and ‘Stiffy’ to ‘do their bit’ and Honoria having already talked Lady Florence Craye and ‘Bobbie’ Wickham into volunteering, the girls had been outfitted and posted to Cold Comfort Farm in the parish of Much-Piddling. So far, Madeline thought, the farm was living up to its name.

Amos Starkadder had met them by the farm gate with the words “Ye’re all damned!” and it certainly looked that way to Madeline. Amos was a preacher at the Church of the Quivering Brethren in Loose-Chippings and believed in brimstone and hellfire. Madeline was beginning to miss the company of Gussie Finknottle and if one began to miss his company, then one was halfway up the Rannygazoo without a paddle!

Meanwhile, in Much-Piddling village itself, Dame Edith FitzPilchard was beginning to wish she hadn’t agreed to Bertram Snapcase’s appeal for help. With the visit of Prince Phillip and his entourage to Snapcase Hall, Bertram had wanted his ward, young Verity ‘Peaches’ Snapcase out of the way. Her mother and father had disappeared up the Limpopo some years previously (Bertram suspected it was to get away from ‘Peaches’) and Snapcase Hall seemed to be the only home for her. However, she was proving something of a trial, already expelled from St. Trinians, a rather progressive private school located just outside Steeple Bumpleigh, ‘Peaches’ was a somewhat unnerving presence around the Hall with her catapult. Dame Edith had acquiesced to Bertram’s request for help and had taken ‘Peaches’ with her to the village hall where ARP Chief Warden William Hodges was giving a lecture about ‘how to shout put that bloody light out’ as Bertram, Hodges nemesis, had referred to it.

The Much-Piddling Women’s Institute were slated to give a lecture on making jam after Hodges talk and Mrs. Mary Elizabeth Jennifer Rachel Abergavenny Slocombe, known as Betty to her friends, was worrying. “The central heating broke down last night, I had to light the oven and hold my pussy in front of it!” she’d told her friend and fellow WI member, Miss Shirley Brahms.

Not much has been said of the Black Shorts and the mysterious 5^th Column yet. They lurk in the shadows, probably the best place for people of that ilk. Suffice to say, Spode was heading for Much-Piddling having seen nothing of the promised Luftwaffe at RAF Winkleigh. Skorzeny and chums were in hiding at the old mill awaiting Prien and his crew.

And so, dear reader we leave the aforementioned dramatis personae who are now assembled to play their part in the momentous day that went down in history as “On The Day, Went The Eagle’s Landing Well?”

Friday 23^rd November will see the dénouement to this thrilling tale of everyday country folk. Till then…adieu.

The Oggie-Lorry

Half a pound of flour and lard

Makes a lovely clacker

Just enough for you and me

Gor bugger Janner

Oh how happy us'll be

When us gets to the west country

Where the oggies grow on trees

Gor bugger Janner

Now you make fast, I'll make fast

Make fast the dingy

You make fast, kiss my ass

Make fast the dingy

And we'll all go back to oggie land

To oggie land, to oggie land

And we'll all go back to oggie land

Where they cant tell sugar from

Tissue paper, tissue paper, marmalade and jam, oi

Oggie oggie oggie.......

Barliman Butterbur, the Landlord of The Earl of Snapcase public house in Much-Piddling, is supporting the Home Guard with his latest invention. Having installed an old iron range on his veteran lorry, he follows the Home Guard on manoeuvres and cooks his delicious pasties to order. Any troops fighting in the vicinity of the Much-Piddling Mobile Pasty Unit (or MPU for short) get an immediate morale boost. Barliman always has a barrel of scrumpy on the back of the Oggie-Lorry as well for light refreshments.

 

Prien's Schmales Boot!

Just finished the narrow boat on which Prien and his crew arrive at Much-Piddling.

On The Day, Went The Eagle’s Landing Well? Game Map

This is a very general map based on my set up back in March. I think Snapcase Hall may well extend more to the west now, so the farm will probably move south nearer the cricket pavilion. Things may change! Both the 5^th Column and the Black Shorts will have better information and maps for the participants once they meet up with them. Initially, neither of them will be aware of the others' presence.

On The Day, Went The Eagle’s Landing Well? (Chapter 5)

Chapter 5: Snapcase Brews Up

It was not unexpected when Snapcase had been given command of the local Home Guard. Back in May, when he heard Eden on the radio announcing the formation of the Local Defence Volunteers (later to become the Home Guard) Snapcase felt a call to arms. Having fought through the Great War on Major-General Kenwood-Chef’s staff, Bertram Wilberforce Snapcase had some experience of war at the sharp end. It wasn’t all ‘cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off’ on Kenwood-Chef’s staff. Bracegirdle Kenwood-Chef liked his staff to get out on the front line and mix it up with the Germans. Now Bertram was a little too old to serve in the regular army for this war. Truth be told, he could also be described as ‘not playing with a full deck’, or as his Aunt Dahlia used to say ’not the full jar of marmite’! Although something of a bumbling incompetent buffoon (as his uncle, General Sir Anthony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett put it) Snapcase was the 10^th Earl of Snapcase and the local land-owner. His family could be traced right back to the battle of Agincourt where a distant ancestor had stiffened his sinews and summoned up his blood alongside King Henry V. So, it was no surprise to all and sundry in the class-conscious society that was 1940 that the local aristocrat received his commission from King George to raise a platoon of the Home Guard.

Captain Lord Snapcase was now supervising one of the most important military manoeuvres of the British Army. The Much-Piddling Home Guard lads were ‘brewing up’ and although they needed no supervision in this vital task, he was dying for a drink. Something stronger was really in order but Old Scrotum had suggested quite rightly that the mainbrace should only be spliced after the arrival of the VIPs! Snapcase had arranged for the NAAFI van to visit Snapcase Hall on the occasion of this auspicious visit by Prince Phillip. The van was parked out of sight to the rear of the Hall, ready to serve tea and sticky buns to the men whilst Prince Phillip and other assorted dignitaries would partake of smoked salmon, lobster thermidore, Pimms and Dom Perignon inside the Hall.

At that moment, Private Ted Bovis arrived carrying the Lewis gun, the pride and joy of Snapcase’s platoon. Ted had started as a Yellowcoat at Maplins Holiday Camp, located just outside Steeple Bumpleigh (although not outside enough for the residents of that idyllic village!) but was now the camp comedian. “Sir, Captain Snapcase, sir!” he shouted. “What is it, man?” the Captain enquired. “Sir, Reverend Lieutenant Pinker asked me to tell you, sir.” “What man, spit it out!” snapped Bertram, rapidly losing patience. “Lieutenant Pinker has been delayed at Twing Hall and will not be coming to the parade, sir”.

Twing Hall was the residence of Major-General Bracegirdle Q. Kenwood-Chef at Loose-Chippings, a village north of Much-Piddling. Kenwood-Chef had taken up residence there after the Great War and he and Snapcase had become near-neighbours. There was a big scandal brewing locally and the villagers of Loose-Chippings had more gossip circulating than they would have liked. Much-Piddling matrons were enjoying the chance to warn their daughters about the dangers of associating with Loose-Chippings’ bachelors. “You’ll come to no-good, them Loose-Chippings folk have always had low moral standards, you mark my words, missy!”

In 1939, just before the outbreak of war, Kenwood-Chef had divorced his wife of long-standing, Countess Gertrude Sepulchrave and announced his intention of marrying Consuela Banana-Hammock, his Venezuelan house-keeper. ‘Stinker’ Pinker had been tasked to officiate at the wedding which was due to take place in December 1940 and was currently detained at Twing Hall in vital discussions about decorating the church with Venezuelan flags and flor de Mayo.

Just then, there hove in sight an Austin 7 transporting the august personage of Sir Douglas D’Emfore, the MP for Mid-Devon. Snapcase immediately put an end to the impromptu ‘brew-up’ in the Snapcase Hall grounds and paraded his platoon at the Hall gates to welcome the first of the visiting dignitaries. A very important day in the history of Much-Piddling had begun.

                                    To be continued...

Bovis Arrives and G'Bond Dismounts

In a previous post, Sergeant-Major Victor Albert G'Bond was driving the Austin 7. Here on the left, is the dismounted version in case he needs to get involved in any fisticuffs! On the right is Private Ted Bovis. Ted started as a Yellowcoat at Maplins Holiday Camp, located just outside Steeple Bumpleigh (although not outside enough for the residents of that idyllic village!) but is now the camp comedian. Private Bovis is replacing 'Stinker' Pinker in the Home Guard line-up for reasons explained in the forthcoming Chapter 5. The real reason is I suddenly realised that the Luftwaffe and Kriegsmarine contingents had a machine-gun each but the M-P.H.G. (Much-Piddling Home Guard) were sadly lacking.

On The Day, Went The Eagle’s Landing Well? (Chapter 4)

Chapter 4: Prien Pootles Along

At the exact same moment as Stahl was dragged free from Immelmann II, Prien was approaching Much-Piddling on the Market Snodsbury to Much-Piddling Canal from the south east. Prien knew nothing of Stahl or his secret mission but was curious earlier when a large black smoke cloud had erupted into the sky somewhere over to the north west.

Prien had had to contain his impatience as the narrow boat pootled along at four miles an hour. However, they were now close enough to Much-Piddling to demand caution and the submariners moored the boat to the bank within sight of the village as the dawn broke. From the horrendous storm and downpour in the night to a lovely Devon morning with the September sun shining on the dew, it was a startling contrast. It looked like the start of a beautiful day in Much-Piddling as the villagers started to go about their business, unaware of the dark forces of war looming around them.

Prien now took a few minutes to assess their situation. His orders were to contact the 5^th Column. They were hiding out in the vicinity of the old mill on the road to Loose-Chippings. They had information regarding times and locations and a vital map. Prien’s orders were to rendezvous with the 5^th Column first and to use them and their information in the kidnap attempt as required.

“Fähnrich,” said Prien addressing Iwan Oldekop, “take a bearing on the map for the old mill, wir marschieren!“ "But, Herr Kaleu, we should first have Frühstück. I heard of those nice Devon cream teas they serve in Much-Piddling!" replied Iwan. "Well, you are rrright,” answered Prien, “let's see which way they clot their cream...VORWÄRTS!"

                                               To be continued...

This week.....

This week I am reading...

The blurb...

This accessible text tells the story of the most star-studded of fighter squadrons, the RFC, and its part in all the major battles of World War I, from Bloody April 1917, when the squadrons suffered enormous casualties, through Third Ypres and Passchendaele to the chaotic retreat from Ludendorff's offensive. Drawing extensively from letters and diaries of the men who took part, Ralph Barker creates a bird's eye view of the battleground from the menacing skies above France and brings fresh off the page the exhiliration of combat, the debility of the "shakes", the grit of observers and gunners, the strain of low-level flying, the bonding of pilot and ground mechanic, and the awareness of tragedy as brave men gave their lives.

Set-Dressing

A few more scenic items for the "On The Day, Went The Eagle’s Landing Well?" game.

An Official Visit

As a person of such eminence as Prince Phillip of Greece and Denmark is visiting Much-Piddling, it is only natural that the local MP should be there to greet him. As a consequence, Sir Douglas D'Emfore, MP for Mid-Devon has taken time out from the House and returned to his constituency to greet the esteemed royal visitor. As an MP in wartime, Sir Douglas is escorted by his Personal Protection Officer, Sergeant-Major Victor Albert G'Bond, late of the Sherwood Foresters and trained by none other than Eric Sykes himself.

Sergeant-Major G'Bond has booked a car out of the car pool for the visit and was rather amused to discover an Austin 7 which could have been his own personalised number plate!

On The Day, Went The Eagle’s Landing Well? (Chapter 3)

Chapter 3: Steiner Pulls It Off

           There was a massive grinding of tortured metal, sparks, a curious sense almost of weightlessness as the Tante Ju fuselage rolled over and over in the Devon field. Stahl felt like it would never end but suddenly there was relative quiet, broken only by the ticking of cooling metal and the drip of aviation fuel onto a red-hot engine. With both wings and their engines broken off in the crash, there was still the nose engine of Immelmann II attached to the fuselage. “Scheisse!” shouted Stahl as he suddenly understood the significance of the dripping fuel. He tried to stand but found he couldn’t move. Something was pulling at his foot and then he realised it was Steiner trying to pull him out of the wreckage of the cockpit.

Steiner. The man was a mystery. Leiste had told him at Carinhall that he could pick his own crew but he must include a highly decorated and experienced Fallschirmjäger officer, Oberst Kurt Steiner. There were all sorts of rumours about Steiner. Norway, Denmark, Belgium, the Netherlands, France and then disgrace. Steiner had tried to prevent a roadside execution by an SS unit. For this, he was court-martialled. Rather than face the firing squad, Steiner was allowed to transfer to a penal unit on the Channel Island of Alderney, where they made high risk attacks with their captured motor torpedo boat using manned torpedoes against Allied convoys passing through the English Channel. Virtually a suicide unit. Leiste had offered a chance for Steiner to redeem himself in the eyes of Göring. The Luftwaffe wanted a fighting man on this mission and, in their view, not only was he a fighting man but he was expendable.

Stahl came to just as Immelmann II exploded in a ball of flame. A column of dense black smoke rose into the air. Stahl suddenly realised that the storm that had caused the crash was over, as if it had never been. Rolling over Stahl saw the rest of the crew, some injured but everyone was there. Hanna Reitsch had been thrown clear of the plane during the crash landing and suffered only minor scratches. Oberfeldwebel Dieter Müller had been trapped in the burning fuselage but somehow Steiner had managed to free him and drag him to safety. He had a bad leg injury and a nasty knock to his head. Stabsfeldwebel Raimund Weiser had a piece of metal embedded in his arm but Stahl was surprised to find that the whole crew was still alive.

“So, Sabartovski, where are we?” enquired Stahl. “I believe we have come down about a mile north-west of a village called Much-Piddling” replied Sabartovski, “we need to head south-west for Winkleigh to rendezvous with the Black Shorts and Spode”. “We will reconnoitre the village and try and liberate some transport. Zimmermann, see if you can retrieve a machine-gun from the wreckage. You all have your personal pistols and Steiner has retrieved enough hand-grenades so take one each” ordered Stahl. With that, the unlikely invading force set off on foot in the direction of Much-Piddling.

To be continued.....

On The Day, Went The Eagle’s Landing Well? (Chapter 2)

Chapter 2: Prien Meets the Fat Lady

   “Can this verdammte lastkahn not go any faster?” shouted Kapitänleutnant Günther Prien, Iron Cross First and Second Class, U-boat War Badge with Diamonds and Knight's Cross of the Iron Cross with Oak Leaves. “Actually mein Kapitän, this is technically a schmales boot, not a lastkahn” replied Obersteuermann Hans Sammann. Sammann was something of a pedant and did not choose his moments for displaying his pedantry too well. “Arschloch!” came the succinct reply from the hard-bitten U-Boot commnder. Currently the hand-picked raiding crew from the new type VIIB Unterseeboot, U-47 were travelling at four miles per hour on the Barnstaple to Tiverton Canal. U-47 was currently resting on the bottom of the Western Approaches, two miles out from Saunton Sands and just south of Lundy Island. Prien and his men had rowed ashore undercover of darkness and hidden the rubber dinghies in the sand dunes. The mysterious 5th Column they were to rendezvous with had arranged to leave a narrow boat ready for the submariners to head inland. They were looking for the branch off the main canal at Molton-Magma to join the Market Snodsbury to Much-Piddling Canal.

   It felt like three weeks ago but it had only been three days since Prien had been in Paris at the offices of Kommandierender Admiral Frankreich. Prien had been summoned by the commander of Admiral Frankreich, Admiral Karlgeorg Schuster.

   “I want you to go to England and capture Prince Phillip of Greece and Denmark,” stated Schuster brusquely. Schuster was not the kind of Admiral to be questioned by a mere Kapitänleutnant and Prien merely nodded his head in acquiescence whilst his mind was in a whirl. He was a U-Boot commander, not a spy. “As you know, Prien, the Kriegsmarine is not the Führer’s favourite branch of the armed forces. I want to install Prince Phillip as head of the puppet government when the British surrender. That way, the Kriegsmarine will rise to the top in the Führer’s mind and we will assume our rightful position in the Reich. My secretary Brünnhilde will give you the details and plans of the operation, codenamed Griechischer Prinz.”

   With that, Prien was ushered out of Schuster’s palatial office and into Brünnhilde’s less spacious but more functional office. She seemed keen to sing the details but Günther assured her that was not really necessary. Brünnhilde produced a red folder marked Streng Geheim: Unternehmen Griechischer Prinz and handed it to Prien. Brünnhilde then went on to explain that Otto Skorzeny, a member of the Führer’s bodyguard, had already secretly landed in Devon to contact an Abwehr agent code named Starling. Starling has provided the tantalising intelligence that Prince Phillip of Greece and Denmark was to visit a Home Guard platoon in Much-Piddling, where Joanna Grey (Starling), a German sleeper agent, lived. Prince Phillip, accompanied by his Royal Naval escort and Royal Marine bodyguard was to meet the local MP for Mid-Devon, Sir Douglas D’Emfore and then visit the Much-Piddling Home Guard under the command of Captain Lord Bertram Wilberforce Snapcase before being served luncheon at Snapcase Hall, on the outskirts of Much-Piddling. As it transpired agent Starling was Sir Douglas’s personal assistant which was how she had come by the vital intelligence. Sir Douglas would be accompanied on the visit by a highly trained bodyguard, one Sergeant-Major V. A. G’Bond late of the Sherwood Foresters but now assigned to an elite VIP protection unit. Trained by Eric Sykes, G’Bond was a close-combat specialist. As Günther left the offices of Kommandierender Admiral Frankreich, the final words of Brünnhilde were echoing in his head; “Es ist nicht vorbei, bis die fette Dame singt!”.

To be continued.....

On The Day, Went The Eagle’s Landing Well? (Chapter 1)

There is a back story to the game in November, herewith chapter 1.

Chapter 1: Stahl Takes It Rough

“Achtung, prepare for a very rough landing!” Staffelkapitän Stahl’s voice came over the intercom. “Assume crash positions, we are too low to bail out!”. Those who hadn’t already, strapped themselves in as best as they could as the Tante Ju (Junkers Ju 52) bucketed around in the storm. Stahl was frantically looking for a field big enough to put the heavy Junkers down. The storm was completely unexpected, coming as it did after two weeks of unseasonably good weather in September 1940. The meteorological officer from the Grossraum Wettererkundungsstaffel back at Juvincourt airfield had predicted strong winds but nothing like this. In the flashes of lightning outside the cockpit the words Immelmann II could be read below the cockpit perspex. This had been Hitler’s personal Ju 52 until the outbreak of war and was now in the possession of Kampfgeschwader 200. It was being flown by Staffelkapitän Peter Wilhelm Stahl, Iron Cross First and Second Class and German Cross in Gold. Stahl was head of a detachment within KG 200 responsible for flying large aircraft (including captured allied planes) on special long-range flights under difficult navigational conditions.

It was this unseasonably good weather which had allowed the German 9th and 16th Armies (Army Group A) under Field Marshal von Rundstedt to cross the channel and establish a bridgehead on the English coast between Portsmouth in the west and Ramsgate in the east. Initial signs were that Unternehmen Seelöwe (Operation Sealion) was proceeding to plan. Army Group C under Field Marshal von Leeb was ready for embarkation at Cherbourg for the second landing at Lyme Regis. It was intended that the 6th Army would advance northwards from Lyme Regis through Taunton aiming for the vital docks at Bristol. The overall strategic aim was for the German forces to advance north and establish a line from Gloucester to Maldon. The Germans, having taken London assumed that the British would negotiate for peace. Churchill had repeatedly stated that the British forces would not surrender, “We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender”. The countryside west of the Taunton-Lyme Regis stop-line would be left until the surrender and then elements of the German 6th Army would be used to subjugate Devon and Cornwall.

As Stahl battled with the controls of his Tante Ju, his mind skipped back to his meeting with Reichsmarschall Göring earlier that week. “I want you to go to Devon ahead of the army and set up a provincial governor who will be responsible to the Luftwaffe and not those damn fools in the Oberkommando des Heeres!” the Reichsmarschall had expostulated. The rivalry between Göring’s beloved Luftwaffe and his rivals in the Heer was legendary. “Our glorious pilots have smashed the RAF. Oberst Leiste here will give you the details. I want you to land at RAF Winkleigh and meet Roderick Spode who is to become Reichsprotektor Spode of the Protektorate of Devon and Cornwall. Flugkapitän Hanna Reitsch will accompany you to show Spode how highly we value him. Oberleutnant Manfred Schimmel has been given a top-secret code-book to deliver which will enable Spode to take control in advance of the half-witted Heer!”. With that, Stahl was dismissed from the august presence and driven away from Carinhall to re-join his squadron in occupied France. Now here he was, five miles short of Winkleigh airfield, all instruments dead, trying to find a landing site in an electrical storm. In a flash of lightning, Stahl saw his chance and took it. A big field apparently clear of obstructions. Shouting to his navigator Leutnant Ernst Sabartovski to obtain their position, Stahl readied himself for a crash-landing and brought the Ju 52 down onto the field. Too late, he saw the old abandoned cars in a line across the field which the British used to inhibit German glider landings for the invasion. With a grinding crash and a roar of the three powerful BMW engines, Immelmann II turned on its starboard wing as the port wing tore away from the fuselage.

To be continued........

Much-Piddling 5th Column

There is a 5th Column operating in Much-Piddling, currently not suspected by the Security Services. They are seen here at a secret meeting outside the village pub. They are waiting for the Fifth Man who will apparently be in possession of some information of great value to the Abwehr. More of their mission later................

L-R: Liam Devlin (IRA), Joanna Grey (Nazi sympathizer), Hermann Görtz (Abwehr), SS-Obersturmbannführer Otto Skorzeny (in disguise!).

The Spy and the Traitor

Now reading this, some interesting revelations about Michael Foot and Jack Jones being paid by the KGB!

Blurb

A thrilling Cold War story about a KGB double agent, by one of Britain's greatest historians

On a warm July evening in 1985, a middle-aged man stood on the pavement of a busy avenue in the heart of Moscow, holding a plastic carrier bag. In his grey suit and tie, he looked like any other Soviet citizen. The bag alone was mildly conspicuous, printed with the red logo of Safeway, the British supermarket.

The man was a spy for MI6. A senior KGB officer, for more than a decade he had supplied his British spymasters with a stream of priceless secrets from deep within the Soviet intelligence machine. No spy had done more to damage the KGB. The Safeway bag was a signal: to activate his escape plan to be smuggled out of Soviet Russia.

So began one of the boldest and most extraordinary episodes in the history of espionage. In The Spy and the Traitor Ben Macintyre reveals a tale of betrayal, duplicity and raw courage that changed the course of the Cold War forever.