Setting Jhamjarhistan Ablaze - Part the First

SETTING JHAMJARHISTAN ABLAZE

“There is a dry wind blowing through the East and the parched grasses await the spark. And the wind is blowing towards the Indian frontier . . .  I have reports from agents everywhere”.

Sir Walter Bullivant to Richard Hannay, Greenmantle.

THE JHAMJARHISTAN CAMPAIGN

GHQ, WAFFLE Corps, Peshawar, January 192?.

“It’s all kicked off in Jhamjarhistan, Darling” ejaculated Major-General Kenwood-Chef. A British officer on shooting leave by the name of ‘Chippy’ Minton has been imprisoned in Djelibad. That roguish rapscallion, Faqir Al Djelibeybi, the Emir of Jhamjarhistan will be behind it all!”, he continued, in a bellicose voice that had bought many a tribal leader, quivering to their respective knees. Captain Kevin Darling, the General’s ADC was already aware of the dangerous situation in Jhamjarhistan, it was he who had laid the TOP SECRET/URGENT/EYES ONLY telegram on the General’s desk that morning.

'Chippy' Minton and Major-General Kenwood-Chef

Lakshmibai Al Djelibeybi, Emira of Jhamjarh, Faqir Al Djelibeybi, the Emir of Jhamjarh and Gunga Al Djelibeybi, the Emirzade of Jhamjarh

Major-General Kenwood-Chef was Wazirstan Amalgamated Field Force Leader ‘E’ Corps and as OIC WAFFLE Corps, Jhamjarhistan came under his jurisdiction. Jhamjarhistan being a small autonomous province to the east of Bokhara in the Pamirs.

“Darling, get me that fool Snapcase. You’ll probably find him drinking chota pegs at Madame Kharrsi’s Home for Distressed Gentlewomen”. Madame Kharrsi’s was in fact a cover for a Peshawar brothel catering exclusively for officers of field rank and above. Very hush, hush you know.

Snapcase was duly extracted by an agitated Darling from Madame Kharrsi’s establishment and hurried back to Peshawar Barracks. Ushered into Kenwood-Chef’s office, he saluted the General and accepted the offer of a mid-morning bracer, a very welcome G&T.

Snappers and Kenners

“Now then Snappers, we need you to get to Kashgar with a mixed force by yesterday!” “Stap me, Kenners, that’s a rather tall order!” riposted Snapcase. “Now look here, I’ve spoken to that transport johnny of yours, Agnew is that his name?” growled Kenwood-Chef. “Aggers, yes that’s right sir”. “Well, he and that QM chappie Johnston reckon they can cobble together enough motorised transport to get your advance column to Kashgar in a week or so. The heavy baggage and follow-up column can damn well use Shank’s pony and a mule train”. “If that’s the case then I’ll get my adjutant, Major Bovril onto the detailed planning straight away, General”, Snapcase came to the salute, about faced and marched off to cantonments to look for Bovvers, Aggers and Johnners.

Bovvers, Aggers and Johnners

When questioned, Bovvers and Aggers were adamant that they would need a team of expert mechanics to keep the motorised section running all the way to Kashgar. Aggers felt that if they could get a chap called Tuffnell from the Royal Engineers on board, then he could bring a choice selection of oily rags with him on the beano. Aggers went off to see if he could sweeten the deal with Tuffers with an all-expenses paid visit to Madame Kharrsi’s.

Meanwhile, the Political Department at Peshawar had heard of Snapcase’s imminent departure for the back of beyond. Monty Bottomley-Throppet (who some suspected was the local SIS man) dropped by to chat with Snapcase. Monty’s daughter Ophelia was on an archaeological dig with her college in Jhamjarhistan and Monty was worried about her.

The archaeological dig in Jhamjarh was being sponsored by Lord Creosote. His Lordship is a keen amateur archaeologist and when his daughter approached him for some readies to travel with her university’s archaeological club, he decided to accompany them and sponsor the dig. Lord Creosote is very jealous of his rival Howard Carter’s success in the Valley of the Kings. Lord Creosote is accompanied by his valet, Biscuit-Barrel. Creosote is known for being as rich as Croesus. His daughter is Araminta Creosote, studying archaeology at Hilda Rumpole College, Oxford. The College’s archaeological club, known as the Rumpole Scholars are working on a very ancient site near Djelibad, Jhamjarh’s main town. Passing adventurers and archaeologists in their own right, Cecil de Leominster and Baron Dietrich von Strepsil have decided to help the Rumpole Scholars in their dig.

Biscuit-Barrel, Lord Creosote and Araminta Creosote

Over drinks in the mess, it was agreed that Monty’s top two agents, one Henry Blofeld (an Old Etonian) and the other known only as Vaggers (a taciturn Yorkshireman), would accompany the advance column, first to Kashgar and then on to Djelibad to check that all was well with Ophelia and the dig. Snapcase had known Blowers at Eton and was happy to allow him on the mission.

Whilst much was known of Blowers locally, the arrival of the SIS agent Vaggers was shrouded in mystery. Rumour had it that he was an old seadog, a salty veteran of the Royal Navy. He certainly had the weather beaten appearance of an old matelot. Indeed, some said, even a colleague of Vice-Admiral Roger Keyes at the Admiralty. At the Consulate, ‘Windy’ Miller who knew about these things, opined that said Vaggers had landed from HMS Vindictive at Zeebrugge in ’18 and had suffered a rather nasty wound as a result. Whatever the truth of it, this gruff Yorkshireman was now indisputably SIS and along with his colleague Blowers, was all agog for the Jhamjarhistan mission. Unbeknownst to all but himself, Vaggers had an ulterior motive in visiting Lord Creosote’s dig. An old flame of his, the Honourable Bunty Hamster-Crust was taking part in the dig as one of the Rumpole Scholars. 

Blowers, Vaggers and the Honourable Bunty Hamster-Crust

To be continued...